Initiatives of Change - What are our Children Telling Us? by ,

A senior British judge recently caused a stir by declaring that family life is in ‘meltdown’. He said: ‘We are experiencing a period of family meltdown whose effects will be as catastrophic as the meltdown of the ice caps... as big a threat to the future of our society as terrorism, street crime or drugs... What is certain is that almost all of society's social ills can be traced directly to the collapse of family life... I am not saying every broken family produces dysfunctional children but I am saying that almost every dysfunctional child is the product of a broken family... And what is government doing to recognize and face up to the emerging situation? The answer is: very little and nothing like enough... It is fiddling whilst Rome burns.’

It would be simplistic to lay all our recent troubles at the door of family break-up. But surely the tragic increase in knife-crime among teenagers; what many see as declining academic standards in schools; historically high figures for teen pregnancies; and childhood obesity all point to the fact that family life is not what it should be.

My daughter is a teenager. We have got to know two of her class-mates. One of them is being brought up by a pair which doesn’t include his biological mother after a series of broken relationships. The boy has a dreadful stammer; and recently had a term off school with mental illness. We don’t know whether his problems relate to his home-life (or lack of it) but we wonder.

A second class-mate recently ran away from home because her parents – both from dysfunctional families – made her life a misery. They were excessively controlling and suspicious of her, expecting her to risk the ridicule of her friends to stand for their own rather extreme religious views. We ended up having her with us for ten days while the school, social services and the police tried to work out what to do. I’m glad to say that, after the intervention of the Child Protection agency and the ministrations of a local pastor, the child is back home again. Her parents seem to be making a genuine effort to listen to her and make a fresh start. (As an aside, it was amazing to me that my wife only had email and telephone contact from the agencies. The first contact I had was when I phoned them to say that I was not prepared to be ‘vetted’ until I had had a chance to ask some questions face to face. The social services have a very difficult role but support for parents who try to help is, perhaps inevitably, low down their list of priorities.)

I find it hard to disagree with the judge’s diagnosis of the situation – except that I am not convinced that lack of action by the Government is the critical missing factor.

Some years ago, Annejet Campbell wrote a book called, Listen to the Children. This is clearly important advice – and advice that the run-away girl’s parents seem to be heeding rather late in the day. But what, in general, are our children telling us?

Could they be telling us that they need nurturing and providing for – but that this alone is not enough?

Children need to know that they are loved, valued, trusted, respected. They also need to know that they have a contribution to make. Life is not just about having a good career and meeting the ideal life-partner. It is about finding the thing that gives them meaning and purpose beyond themselves. They need to know that their life can make a difference for other lives. Francis of Assisi expressed it well: it is in giving that we receive. A selfish life cannot be a deeply satisfied life. Or, as another saint put it: ‘Our hearts are restless till they rest in Thee.’ The challenge to those of us who are parents, grandparents, guardians, or even proxy aunts and uncles is that children learn far more by example than from exhortation. ‘Do as I say, not as I do,’ has never been an effective formula for successful child-rearing.

One of my outstanding memories of my own father – long dead – is when I saw him apologise to a gardener in a local park because he felt he had been rude to him. I must have been about nine at the time and even with the less-than-perfect memory of late middle-age, I still recall that incident. Perhaps being prepared to admit where we are wrong and starting afresh is an essential parenting skill. Certainly it is an approach that is tried far too infrequently in the worlds of politics and business. Where better to learn it than in the home?

The future of the earth will all-too-soon be in the hands of the next generation. We bear a responsibility for doing our best to equip them for that responsibility.

The writer has asked to remain anonymous to protect the identity of the minors referred to.